What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
