I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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