dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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