I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
