Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
