my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
