he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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