I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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