I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize