I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
