i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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