What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
