all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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