it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
