Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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