you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
