im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
please come you make the beer taste better
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
