yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
