but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
