Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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