He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
