Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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