I wish life had little blips of pornography
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
