that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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