dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
