I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
