Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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