and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
