my phone needs a breathalizer
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
