My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
