FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
