im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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