just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
