Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
