This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
