WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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