My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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