I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
