i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
