I wish they made helmets for livers.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
