I miss vodka workout Fridays
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let's get the cat blown out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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