You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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