SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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