He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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