u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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