After last night, I could never be a politician.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
