Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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