Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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