just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
