I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
