So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
