Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
