I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
