My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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