Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
