i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
