we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
