I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just blew my weed a kiss
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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