Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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