coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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