who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
